As I write this I am preparing for a week away from home. Since returning last month I have been able to sleep in my bed every night and it’s been so wonderful that it’s difficult to think of leaving again! I will be heading to the capital for a week’s worth of counseling. I’ll be intensively looking at the trauma from January and therefore asking for extra prayers this coming week. I’m deeply thankful for the presence of a counselor who is specifically trained in a trauma therapy technique called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR.
The past two weeks I’ve been quite ill which led to lots of time spent laying on my couch listening to audiobooks, watching Disney movies (Wall-E last night, love that movie!) and in my prayer room soaking. Being sick has been awful but, Jesus has used this down time to reveal some difficult lies I’ve been believing as well as pain that has existed in my spirit for over 2 years. At times I get irritated at the fact that Jesus always desires more intimacy but I also love it. Pain is often revealed but I am learning to mourn so that His comfort soon follows.
One of the painful things that has been revealed is that I have become more focused on the project of Global Redemption rather than the vision of Global Redemption. Practically this has probably been revealed in that so much of what I share has been regarding the NGO process and paperwork I’ve been doing. Because of this, not only have I become drained and lost so much of my passion, you have missed out on the many things Daddy has been doing in Uganda. Global Redemption is one thread in a beautiful tapestry of His love being poured out as Father. The vision here in Uganda is being moved forward through many other threads beyond Global Redemption and as the struggles remain with our NGO, I have partnered with other organizations walking in the same vision. Global Redemption has always been designed and thought of as a follow up to what Mto Moyoni, one of these organizations, is and already has been doing. My hope moving forward is to dramatically transition from the project to the vision. This does not mean the project of the mentoring home will be abandoned but instead that it will be focused as one thread in the tapestry as it was meant to originally. My focus will be back on the vision of revealing His love as Father to the many sons and daughters living as orphans. I want to take this time and apologize for this mistake done on my part. It was unintentional but I feel the need to repent to each of you for this. I ask your forgiveness and for your continued prayers as I walk forward with Jesus into Daddy’s arms.
Through all of this I have started to think about focus. How does our focus change and what do we do when we find our focus has changed? When I was in Israel a few months ago one of my favorite places was Gethsemane. An organization has created a garden where you can walk among the olive trees and get a sense of what the original garden was like. The fateful night which focus was array for all but One. Jesus was the only One who had His focus on the Father. The disciples and other followers were focusing on their eyelids. But even when awakened by the noise of the soldiers, Peter's focus was on his anger. One of the times I visited the garden, Jesus then led me to the excavated home of Caiaphas where Jesus was taken. As I sat in the court yard where a statue was designed of Peter with a rooster I realized Peter still didn't have his focus right. His focus then was perhaps on his fear. But I did realize something just now. Peter still had followed Jesus to Caiaphas. Even when our focus isn't right, we can still be walking in the general direction of Jesus. Which to outward signs, may look right or even "christian". But it is never enough for Jesus because He always desires intimacy, not simply mindless followers. So as I sit and reflect on what my focus has been, perhaps for a year or more, I realize I have been walking in the general direction of Jesus, but it has been on anger, fear and a project. This I must make right. And in doing so, my prayer is that in the near future, Jesus will call out to me and I, like Peter, will leap from the fishing boat to share a meal with my Love and Saviour.